<%@ Language=VBScript %> <%Option Explicit%> <% Dim strBabble Dim str1 Dim str2 Dim str3 Dim str4 Dim str5 Dim i Dim arr1 Dim arr2 Dim arr3 Dim arr4 Dim arr5 Dim iMax str1 = "There is,There was,We are experiencing,The computer has had,Our servers are experiencing,Our network has,The sun is causing,Aliens made,A horde of monkeys are making,Bill gates has,Unforseen circumstances are causing,A glitch in the Matrix has,A team of Macaques are causing,I hadn't realized but we've had,Looks like we're about to have,The thrice accursed hosting company have had,Dread Cthulhu has caused,Your complete incompetence has resulted in,Random phase shifts have started,A sub space anomally is causing,Due to angry monkey we're experiencing,Oh My God. Run for cover it looks like,Topless Ninja Skate Hookers have invaded the building and are causing,Shit!!! Call the Paramedics!!! It's,I don't want to alarm anyone...... but there's,Badgers! Everywhere! And they appear to be making,Someone spilled coffee in a the servers and caused,You weren't supposed to use the computer room as a makeshift toilet! Now we've got,Run you fool! We've got a,It's the sunspot see. They're making us have" str2 = "a crticical fault,a guru meditiation error,a fatal error,a guru exception error,a grave misuse,a fire,some downtime,an attack of flying monkeys,a plague of locusts,a warp space anomally,an index parameter exception,a spanner infusion,a gas explosion,a coolant leak,a plasma breach,a warp core explosion,a build up of static demistification particles,a rendering engine failure,a player deficiency,a ping latency manifest,a sprocket alignment failure,an RPC error overflow,an input error too much cheese failure,a chimp shortage,a lack of monkeys,a spectacular fractal collapse,an invasion of angry badgers,a llama failure,a Minter based beard anomally,a jockstrap processor overflow,a custard infusion,an illegal overide command,an illegal command line entry,a porn buffer underrun,a porn storage overflow,an mp3 meltdown,a core meltdown,a terrorist invasion,a spring bend meltdown,an attack of the heebie jeebies, a cataclysmic emission buildup,a critical meltdown,and erruption of badgers,a lizard infestation,a goth invasion,a bunch of f**ked up stuff going on,paranormal activity,wombat degredation,chimp influxes" str3 = "with the,on the,in the" str4 = "Spatula Monogomizer.,Random Discombobulation Unit.,Memory Leak Humidifier.,RAQ Unit Infiltrator.,Hard Drive Hammer.,Hamster Wheel Interfacer.,Carbon Polymization Receptacle.,Complex System of Monkeys and Tubes.,Canine Ferocitator.,Chimp Exploiter.,Random Math Exploitaitorizer.,Code Bloat Homogenizer.,Weevil Packet Delivery System.,Harmonizing Array Synchronizers.,Baboon Injectors.,Warp Gate Compression Matrix.,The Matrix.,Binary Node Analyzers.,Tractor Beam Isolation Stream.,Steam Computator.,Bean Factor Compressor.,Human-Ape carbon barrilifier.,Hardwall File Servator.,File System Spatulate.,Electric Spasm Lactator.,Compressed Proton Architecture.,Ham Spanners.,Combat Womble Ejectors.,Norm Detection Matrices.,Javascript Overflow Handlers.,Code Compression Architecture Engine.,Bolt Compression System.,Tiled Geometrics Navigation Correction Facility.,Barbed Comment Ossifier.,Skink Adaptor.,Marketing Weasel Recyclator.,Armaggedon Prevention Matrix.,Armadillo Extraction Device.,Ninja Assination Protection Field Generator.,Quake Engine Regulator.,CTF DM Deployment Systems.,Flux Capacitator.,Lan Node Destabilizer.,RPC stack modifier.,Quantum Matrix destabilizer.,Browser Agent Detectifier.,Wombat Colostomizer.,x86 Architecture Parameters.,Mythos Repellant Spray.,Marmot Harvesters.,Random Encounter Tables." str5 = " We're very sorry.,Want it fixed? Kiss my ass.,Bite my boomstick spawn of evil.,It'll be fixed soon.,We're working on it right now.,Our army of technicians are fixing it as we speak.,The complex hyperbaric nanites are working their magic right now.,Teams of WASC qualified technicians are on it.,Our quantum debobblizer should have self replicated a repair fix soon., A beam of barion particles should fix it.,You're screwed....... goodbye.,Bwah hah hah hah ahhhaaahah.,My plan is complete....... kneel before my evil........ puny earthling!!!, What are we going to do about it? Absolutely nothing.,We don't know why and frankly we don't care.,I could tell you why but I'd have to kill you...,I'd be surprised if it gets fixed.,Oh...... and we've gone bust so there's nothing I can do., Anyway why are you asking me? I'm just the cleaner.,Scutters are mending it today.,We've scheduled a routine maintenance sweep this afternoon.,We'll send in our best man., Shit. We're all going to die!!!,That'll cost you... big time.,It won't be cheap to mend that one I'm afraid.,It will require the sacrifice of many chickens to get that one working again.,Our work experience spod is hitting it with a hammer now.,I hope you're wearing clean underwear.,I think it was caused by sunspots.,Aaaarg... its alive and its taking over the world.......,I'm sorry we won't be able to fix it for at least a week.,Not even the malevolent forces of the Mighty Cthulhu will be able to sort that lot out,Want it fixed? Go fix it........,Now piss off and stop bothering me!,Here's 20p. Phone someone who cares.,I'll fix it....... as soon as I can be arsed.,I'd like to help you. Really I would. But I'm married to the sea now........,If we don't get that sorted real soon we're all dead.,Sigh..... what do you want me to do about it eh?,Run like F**k!!!,Swim like F**k!!!" Function MakeString() Randomize arr1 = split(str1,",") arr2 = split(str2,",") arr3 = split(str3,",") arr4 = split(str4,",") arr5 = split(str5,",") iMax = Ubound(arr1) i = Int(rnd*iMax) strBabble = arr1(i) iMax = Ubound(arr2) i = Int(rnd*iMax) strBabble = strBabble & " " & arr2(i) iMax = Ubound(arr3) i = Int(rnd*iMax) strBabble = strBabble & " " & arr3(i) iMax = Ubound(arr4) i = Int(rnd*iMax) strBabble = strBabble & " " & arr4(i) iMax = Ubound(arr5) i = Int(rnd*iMax) strBabble = strBabble & " " & arr5(i) Makestring = strBabble End Function If Request.Form("btnSubmit").Count > 0 Then 'Call the function to create the babble strBabble = MakeString() End If %> Technobabble downtime excusifier

Stuff not working properly? Marketing weasels throwing their rattles out of the pram?

Placate them with a horrendously complicated technobabble excuse.

<%=strBabble%>